REGALWISE SHEPHERDS HUMOR

On this page I have collected the best of the thousands of jokes and stories that have arrived in my email over the past few years:

DOGGY HUMOR 
Miscellaneous Dog Jokes
How To Prepare For a Puppy
Why Own A Show Dog?
Dog Show People 
New Breeds of Dogs
Dog Show Poem

Sexist Humor
MEN VS. WOMEN 
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN 
FEMALE COMEBACKS 
In the beginning.. 

HOLIDAY HUMOR
The politically correct twelve days of Christmas 
A Thought For Christmas 

HUMOR AT WORK
MORE IDIOT SIGHTINGS 
Job Application 
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY 
POST OFFICE 
REAL STORIES FROM TRAVEL AGENTS

POLITICAL
It Costs So Little, And It Means So Much

RELIGOUS
RELIGIOUS PHILOSOPHIES IN A NUTSHELL

MISC.
21 REASONS WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS HARD TO LEARN 
ONE LINERS 
TRUE STORY
REFLECTIONS ON LIFE 
IDIOT SIGHTINGS
DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE 
PUN CONTEST WINNERS    


How To Prepare For a Puppy

Pour cold apple juice on the carpet in several places and walk around barefoot in the dark.
Wear a sock to work that has had the toes shredded by a blender.
Immediately upon waking, stand outside in the rain in the dark saying, "Be a good puppy, go potty now, hurry up - come on, let's go!"
Cover all your best clothes with dog hair. Dark clothes must use white hair; light clothes must use dark.
Float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the morning.
Also put some hair in everything that you cook!!! And in the pots and pans in your cupboards!!
Run out in the snow/rain in your bare feet to close the gate.
Tip over a basket of clean laundry, scatter clothing all over the floor.
Leave your underwear on the living room floor because that's where the puppy will drag it anyway.....especial ly when company is coming.
Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite TV program and run to the door shouting "No, No! Do THAT OUTSIDE!" Miss the end of the program :))
Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the morning; don't try to clean it up until you get home from work in the evening.
Gouge the leg of the dining room table several times with a screwdriver. ...it's going to get chewed on anyway.
Have a backhoe come in and dig random giant holes in your yard. Then go out in the early am and step in a few. Try not to break anything.
Take a warm and cuddly blanket out of the dryer and immediately wrap it around yourself.
This is the feeling you will get when your puppy falls asleep on your lap.

Author Unknown

DOG PROPERTY LAWS
     1. If I like it, it's mine.
     2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
     3. If I can take  it from you, it's mine.
     4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
     5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
     6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
     7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
     8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
     9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
  10. If it's broken, it's yours.
  
  HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME
     1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
     2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
     3. Both mark their territory.
     4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
     5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
     6. Neither does any dishes.
     7. Both fart shamelessly.
     8.  Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
     9. Both like dominance games.
  10. Both are suspicious of the postman.
  11. Neither understands what you see in cats.
  
  HOW DOGS ARE BETTER  THAN MEN
    1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
    2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
    3. Dogs feel guilty when  they've done something wrong.
    4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
    5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
    6. Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch (and they never laugh
  at how you throw.)
    7. You can train a dog.
    8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
    9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the
  really worst  disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a
  vaccine for it and you can  kill the one that gives it to you).
  10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
  11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you
  
  TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN
  1. A dog's parents will never visit you.
  2. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
  3. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
  4. A dog never expects you to telephone.
  5. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
  6. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
  7. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
  8. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
  9. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
  
      LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG
  1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
  2. Don't go out without ID.
  3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
  4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
  5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
  6. Always give people a friendly greeting.
  7. A cold nose in the crotch is most effective.
  8. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as
  you're     dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
  9. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.


Sign on fence:  "Trespasser today. German Shepherd shit tomorrow!"
 

Why own a show dog? 

Why own a show dog ? 
There's a danger you know. 
You can't own just one, 
For the craving will grow. 

There's no doubt they're addictive 
Wherein lies the danger 
While living with lots 
You'll grow poorer and stranger. 

One dog is no trouble, 
And two are so funny, 
The third one is easy, 
The fourth one's a honey. 

The fifth is delightful, 
The six ones a breeze. 
You find you can live 
With a houseful, with ease. 

So how 'bout another ? 
Would you really dare ? 
They're really quite easy 
But , Oh lord, the Hair ! 

With dogs on the sofa, 
And dogs on the bed, 
And crates in the kitchen, 
It's no bother, you said. 

They,re really no trouble, 
Their manners are great. 
What's just one more dog. 
And one more little crate ? 

The sofa is hairy, 
The windows are crusty. 
The floor is all footprints, 
The furniture's dusty. 

The housekeeping suffers, 
But what do you care ? 
Who minds a few nose prints 
And a little more hair ? 

There's hardly a limit 
To the dogs you can add 
The thought of a cutback, 
Sure makes you feel bad. 

Each one is so special, 
So useful, so funny, 
The food bill grows larger, 
You owe the vet money. 

Your folks never visit, 
Few friends come to stay. 
Except other dog folks 
Who live the same way. 

Your lawn has now died, 
And your shrubs are dead, too 
But your weekends are busy, 
You're off with your crew. 

There's dog food and vitamins 
Training and shots. 
And entries and travel and 
Motels which costs lots. 

Is it worth it you wonder ? 
Are you cought in a trap ? 
Then that favourite comes up 
And climbs in your lap. 

His look says you're special 
And you know that you will 
Keep all the critters 
In spite of the bill. 

Some just for showing, 
And some just to breed 
And some just for loving 
They all fill a need. 

But winters are hassle, 
The dogs hate it, too, 
But they must have their walks 
Tho' they're numb & you're blue. 

Late evening is awful, 
You scream and you shout 
At the dogs on the sofa, 
Who refuse to go out. 

The dogs and the dog shows 
The travel, the thrills 
The work and the worry 
The pressure, the bills. 

The whole thing seems worth it 
The dogs are your life. 
They're charming and funny 
And offset the strife. 

Your lifestyle has changed. 
Things just won't be the same. 
Yes those dogs are addictive 
And so's the dog game ! 

Authur unknown 

 

 Dog show people:

  *Are a special breed not usually recognized by the AKC
   *Think everyone has crates in their living room
   *Have a messy house, but their kennels are spotless
   *Can always find a show catalogue within arm's  reach
   *Drive trucks, vans, station wagons especially equipped to haul dog crates
   *Can never be reached on a weekend. They're usually at a dog show
   *Will drive 400 miles, spend $100 on gas, $200 on a motel room, & $150 on
     meals to bring home a .25 cent ribbon
   *Have lush, green beautiful backyards & never bought a bag of fertilizer
   *Get up at 6am to walk the dogs, can be at ringside dressed to kill at 8am,
    but have trouble getting to work on time
   *Never miss a closing date for entry fees, but pay the mortgage ten days late
   *Use dog food bags for trash bags & 30-gallon trash cans for dog food
   *Talk for hours on the phone to another dog person in a language known only to dog people
   *Have parents who think they've lost their minds
   *Have neighbors who think they're strange
   *Have doggie friends who think they're terrific

NEW BREEDS OF DOGS

The following breeds are now being considered for recognition by the AKC:

Collie + Lhasa Apso= Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow=  Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter=  Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund=  Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingese + Lhasa Apso=  Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel=  Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever=  Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound=  Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog=  Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador =  Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer=  Moot Point, owned by...oh well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute =  Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier=  Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + Shih Tzu=  Bull Shih Tzu, a gregarious but unreliable breed

Dog show Poem

There was a time, there really was,
When I was sweet and tender,
When SHOW DOG meant a Disney Star,
And Bitch was not a gender.
I went to bed at half past ten,
I went to church on Sunday.
On Saturday I baked the beans,
And did the wash on Monday.
But then I got a certain pup,
And an erstwhile friend said, "SHOW"
And so I did, and so I do,
OH! What I didn't know.
I used to dress with flair and style,
That was the life, don't knock it.
But now each dress from bed to ball
Must have a good bait pocket.
I used to have a certain air,
I wallowed in perfume,
I used to smell of Nuit D'Amour,
Now I smell like Mr. Groom.
My furniture was haut decor,
My pets a tank of guppies,
Now I've furniture unstuffed,
And well-adjusted puppies.
Once I spoke in pristine prose,
In dulcet tones and frail,
But now I'm using language,
That would turn a sailor pale
I was taught to be well-groomed
No matter where I went.
Now all the grooming that I do
Is in the handler's tent.
I used to long for clothes and jewels,
And a figure classed as super,
Now the thing I yearn for most
Is a nice new Pooper-Scooper.
I adored a man who murmured verse
Through intimate little dinners,
But now the words I thrill to hear
Are just three-"Best of Winners"
I rise at dawn and pack the car
The road ahead's a long one.
The one I routed on the maps
Invaribly's the wrong one.
I really love this doggy life
I wouldn't care to change it.
But when I get that BEST IN SHOW
I plan to rearrange it.
And when my time on earth is done,
I'll go without much nudging.
Just give me three weeks closing date,
And let me know who's judging.

Author unknown

MEN VS. WOMEN

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" 
I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. 
Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? 
They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? 
Two mothers-in-law.

Young son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same
thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" 
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How do most men define marriage? 
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all!

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; 
and then it was too late."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? 
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying.

One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging, violent
river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea how to do it. 

The first man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength to
cross this river." Poof!! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he
was able to swim across the river in about two hours. 

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me
the strength and ability to cross the river." Poof!! God gave him a
rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about three hours. 

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also
prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength, ability, and
intelligence to cross this river." 

And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, then
walked across the bridge!

WOMEN
Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving.
They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power.
But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.
Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They have sorrow at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.
Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes.
They live in homes, apartments and cabins.
They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. 
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope.
They give compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for
you to do the same to people you come in contact with.

MEN:
Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and fixing shit.

  "HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN"
 Wine her
 Dine her
 Call her
 Hug her
 Support her
 Hold her
 Surprise her
 Compliment her
 Smile at her
 Listen to her
 Laugh with her
 Cry with her
 Romance her
 Believe in her
 Cuddle with her
 Shop with her
 Give her jewelry
 Buy her flowers
 Hold her hand
 Write love letters to her
 Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.
 
  "HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN"
 Show up naked.
 Bring food and Beer

FEMALE COMEBACKS

Man: Where have you been all my life ?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.


Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.




In the beginning............... 
"What's the problem, Eve?" 
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy." 
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. 
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples." 
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." 
"What's a man, Lord?" 
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. 
But...he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way ! that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly." 

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. 
What's the catch, Lord?" 
"Well, ... you can have him on one condition." 
"What's that, Lord?" 
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret.....................You know, woman to woman." 


The politically correct twelve days of Christmas

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me, 
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming, 
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note), 
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression, 
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans, 
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration...

(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer,
the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
THREE deconstructionist poets 
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses
AND a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.


A Thought For Christmas

Do you know what would have happened
If it had been Three Wise Women
Instead of Three Wise Men?

They would have asked directions,
Arrived on time,
Helped deliver the baby,
Cleaned the stable,
Made a casserole,
Brought practical gifts and
There would be Peace On Earth 


21 REASONS WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS HARD TO LEARN  
1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 
2) The farm was used to produce produce. 
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 
4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 
10) I did not object to the object. 
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 
13) They were too close to the door to close it. 
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. 
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number. 
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? 

 

MORE IDIOT SIGHTINGS
These are supposedly actual quotes from federal employee performance reviews. Perhaps there's something here you can use the next time you're stuck trying to think of an apt comment for that certain
student....

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

12. "A gross ignoramus. . .144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

This is a job application a 17 year old boy submitted at
a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida........and they
hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: ********

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But
seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky,
I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael
Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer
and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens
and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited
to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be
here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here
would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may
already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the
Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who
thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd
like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF
YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.



HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a
hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3) Insist that your e mail address is: 
Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname.com
Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.

4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries 
with that.

5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair
dancing.

6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten 
over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'

10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up 
the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

13) Dont use any punctuation

14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

15) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

17) Sing along at the opera.

18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear 
them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your 
boss is of the opposite gender.)

20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. 
For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3."

21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle 
sounds all day.

22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party
because you're not in the mood.

23) Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.

24) Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.

25) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling
name, Rock Hard.

26) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd 
time this week!!!"

27) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling
"Run for your lives, they're loose!"

28) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices
in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do."

29) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to
have to let one of you go."

30) Every time you see a broom, yell "Honey, your mother is here!"

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity....

31. Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent 
it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jerald C. Pilcher ~~~~~~~~~~~

"Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is a moron, and 
anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

POST OFFICE
A Post Office worker, at the main sorting office, finds an unstamped, poorly
handwritten envelope, addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it is
from
an elderly lady, distressed because all her savings-$100 have been stolen.
She will be cold & hungry this Easter without divine intervention.

He organizes a whip-round amongst the postal workers, who dig deep and come
up with $96. They get it to her by special courier the same morning.

A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand on another
envelope. He opens it: "Dear God, Thank you for the $100 for Easter, which
would have been so bleak otherwise.

P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably those thieving bastards
at the Post Office."


The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:

I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get mussed
by being near the window.

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to
explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she
interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but
Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like
the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts,
Capetown is in Africa." Her response . . . click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was
wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an
ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is
in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map,
and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from
Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I
pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas.
When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas
is a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save
time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her
flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I
tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could
not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane
went very fast. She bought that.

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on
your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who? I said, "No, why do
you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they
put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any
connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it"
( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is
FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over
all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California
and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane
to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I
was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers
on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those
computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter
plane? She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in
order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I
reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many
times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his
stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to
China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to
Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the
agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do
you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came
back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the
country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh
don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map." The agent scoured
a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean
Buffalo, do you?" "That's it -- I knew it was a big animal."

Blonde Joke:
A blonde was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out
for coffee. Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a
large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the
thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.
She asked, "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" The coffee
shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally
replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two
black, and two decaf."

This is a True Story...
On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of
quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner
with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to
stash the quarters in her room.
"I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and
she carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator. As she was about
to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard --
both were black. One of them was big -- very big ... and an
intimidating figure.
The woman froze. Her first thought was:
These two are going to rob me.
Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly
nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear
immobilized her.
She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered
and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind. Surely they
knew -- her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too
obvious. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so
with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward
and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding
eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as
they closed.
A second passed, and then another second, and then another.
Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her.
My, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart
plummeted -- perspiration poured from every pore. Then ... one of the
men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her: Do what they tell you. The
bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and
collapsed on the elevator carpet. A shower of coins rained down on
her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed.

More seconds passed ...

She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell
us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said
it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to
hold in a laugh. She lifted her head and looked up at the two men.
They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet.
"When I told my man here to hit the floor," said the average sized
one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't
mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his
lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.
She thought: My, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was too
humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words
failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable
gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you?
She didn't know what to say. The 3 of them gathered up the
strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her
floor they insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little
unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down
the corridor.
At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room
she could hear them roaring with laughter while they walked back to the
elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and
went downstairs for dinner with her husband.
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses.
Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card
said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."

It was signed,
Eddie Murphy
Michael Jordan
(no, it's not really true, but it IS funny)

ONE LINERS
How Do Crazy People Go Through the Forest?
They Take the Psycho Path.
===========
What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
============
What Do Eskimos Get from Sitting on the Ice Too Long?
Polaroid's
============
What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't Work?
A Stick.
============
What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
============
What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
============
What Do You Call Four Bullfighters in Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.
=============
What Do You Get from a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
==============
What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman with a Vampire?
Frostbite.
==========
What Lies at the Bottom of the Ocean and Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
============
What's the Difference Between Roast Beef and Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef
=============
Where Do You Find a Dog with No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
=============
Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
===============
Why Don't Blind People like to Sky Dive?
Because it Scares the Dog.
==============
What Kind of Coffee Was Served on the Titanic?
Sanka
===============
What Is the Difference Between a Harley and a Hoover?
The Location of the Dirt Bag.
==================
Why Does a Pilgrim's Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wear Their Belt Buckle on Their Hat.
===================
What's the Difference Between a Bad Golfer and a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang It!!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang It!! Whack
===============
How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique up on It.
===============
How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique up on It.
=================
What Do You Call Skydiving Lawyers?
Skeet.
==============
What Goes Clop, Clop, Clop, Bang, Bang, Clop, Clop, Clop?
An Amish Drive-by Shooting


RELIGIOUS PHILOSOPHIES IN A NUTSHELL

Catholicism: If shit happens, I deserve it.

Protestantism: Shit won't happen if I work harder.

Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to me?

Buddhism: When shit happens, is it really shit?

Islam: If shit happens, take a hostage.

Hinduism: This shit happened before.

Hare Krishna: Shit happens Rama Lama Ding Dong.

Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit


REFLECTIONS ON LIFE
1.Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

2.I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

3.I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

4.I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5.Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

6.I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more 
specific.

7.Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when
you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

8.Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone
going faster is a maniac?

9.You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day
when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

10.They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've
got bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

11.Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you 
it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful but I
only have photographs of her on the wall.

12.A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and 
said "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know
there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

13.Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, 
the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult
Bookstore.

14.Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.


IDIOT SIGHTINGS

This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They
promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00p.m.  When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email (Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?).

IDIOTS AT WORK:

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my
name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.  When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative
office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer
were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the
counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had "iceberg." 

IDIOT SIGHTING #1:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put
anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING #2:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an
intellectectually-challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I
explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

IDIOT SIGHTING #3:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

IDIOT SIGHTING #4:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into it self and for the life of her couldn't
understand why her system would not turn on. 

IDIOT SIGHTING #5:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told
the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

NOW DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER?
.

It Costs So Little, And It Means So Much

As you are probably aware, if the voting results in Florida stand as
they are now, George W. Bush will be our next President. 
This will have catastrophic results in our vital, no, indispensable
entertainment industry. Barbra Streisand, Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon, 
Whoopie Goldberg, Alec Baldwin, among many others have sworn to leave
the country if George W. Bush is elected president. And this is where
YOU can help. We need volunteers to help pack and to load moving vans.
We also need volunteers to provide airfare for these irreplaceable
national treasures so they can relocate before they can change their
minds.

For the cost of a small SUV you can sponsor one of these celebrities and 
their unfortunate relocation. You will know that your efforts are
helping when you receive postcards, letters and pictures from your
chosen "refugee" as they learn to become useful citizens in the third
world country of their choosing.

You will help, won't you?? It costs so little, but it means so much!!

Call 1-800-deport-a-lib.

Operators are standing by.

Major credit cards are accepted. 

(Update: In fact, the only person who has made good on his promise is Pierre Salinger, former press secretary to President Kennedy, who is moving to France.)


DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater
Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how
conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and
spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he
urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total
elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."

And for plenty of good reasons, since:

1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-
three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the
chemical was water.

The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?" He
feels the conclusion is obvious.

THE ABILITY TO MAKE AND UNDERSTAND PUNS IS THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF LANGUAGE DEVELOPMENT.

Here are the ten first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?", they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan. " Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.

Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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